The Life Plan

During my time at University, I had the pleasure of living with five beautiful, talented and wonderfully ridiculous women. And aside from our usual discussion topics of Mr Big, our daily calorie intake, and the aftermath of the Brazilian wax, one of our most frequent conversations was The Life Plan.

Every woman, whether she likes to admit it or not, has a Life Plan. There are some who try to pretend they are mysterious, adventurous, and happy to take life as it comes, because we presume that’s what men want. But deep down, every single one of us knows when we want to fall in love, to get married, to have babies. Most of the women I know have had their lives mapped out since they were 18.

Now, achieving the perfect Life Plan is entirely strategic, and works on the same principle as planning a dinner party. In this instance, one must start with the arrival of your guests, and work backwards to decide when to begin searing and chopping (or digging out the take away menu for Bombay Palace and nipping down to Tesco for some Pinot). Similarly with The Life Plan, a woman must start with the arrival of her baby (also known as the Baby Age) and work backwards from there, to determine when she needs to meet the love of her life. It usually sounds something like this…

“Right, I want a baby by the time I’m 26 (so I still have energy to run around with the kids)….which means that I will need to get pregnant by the time I’m 25. And I would like to be married for at least a year before then, and (obviously) leave a year to plan the wedding. Which means I need to be engaged by the time I'm 23. And I'd want need to live with the guy for a couple of years before that. Oh, and it takes at least a year of dating before you move in with someone, doesn’t it? So, if my calculations are right, I need to be with the man I’m going to marry…..a year ago. Oh. Right. Ok, well then maybe I won’t have kids until I’m 28...”

And so it continues.

And it’s ridiculous, because we all know that life never pans out the way we think it will. Yet we never factor in the possibility of break-ups, financial obstacles etc. Nope, it will all go swimmingly. In theory. But when we embark on The Life Plan, most women find themselves hitting a brick wall. Also known as the Male Life Plan, or lack thereof.

The mis-match of male and female Life Plans stems from the desired Baby Age. For women, this is usually around age 24-30; but for men it is anywhere from 30-45 (which funnily enough is the age when it is considered an atrocity for a woman to be single). You see the problem.

I blame the Banks (because that’s always fun, isn’t it?). Well, not the banks per se, but finance. The sole reason that men and women’s Life Plans are so asymmetrical is that as soon as a woman falls pregnant, it is usually assumed that she will adopt the role of stay-at-home Mum, leaving Dad the noble duty of working 9-5…for the rest of his life.

So you can understand why men are so keen to ‘live’ while they are young. Imagine knowing that from the day you start working, that’s it, you’re working forever. At least when we’ve had a horrible day at work, we can resort to that happy thought that this torture is only temporary, that it will be over once we are pregnant (which shouldn’t be too far away, right?). Hang on, perhaps that's the reason that women want children young. Scrap this “All I want is a loving family” bollocks - women just don’t want to work! Perhaps having a baby is just like having a permanent doctor's note...

But in all seriousness, as much as we would be prepared to wait that little while longer, biological constraints means that this really isn’t an option. Unconventional as it may be, women are actually most fertile at age 15 (although that would explain the rising number of Burberry-clad children pushing rubbish dump-retrieved prams around Britain’s council estates). But on the other hand, past the age of 30, the chances of a woman conceiving are dramatically reduced. According to the professionals, we should aim to conceive at least 10 years before the age our mother’s were when they hit menopause. That’ll be a fun conversation. Personally, I think I’d rather hazard a guess and take the risk, than utter the words “So Mum, about those night sweats…”.

So it seems like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place. Or rather, between biology and ideology. But unfortunately, there is no difinitive answer, because every relationship is different. I guess sometimes ladies, we just have to cast away The Life Plan and hope that we find ourselves where we want to be...even if this means taking some detours along the way.