The Evils of Skiing

There's no denying it - skiing goes against all the basic attractions of a holiday: It's freezing cold, your alarm goes off at 8.30am, and at least four hours of each day involves some pretty strenuous exercise. But that aside, it's actually brilliant fun. However, I have discovered four consistent evils of such a holiday, which I think are worth passing on to better prepare anyone who's thinking of going:

1. Goggles
Nobody, I stress nobody, can pull off goggles. If you're lucky, you'll end up looking like an extra from a WHAM Christmas number one, but the majority of us just resemble a large bug. Or throw on a neckwarmer pulled up to the eyes and you're a Dalek.

2. Arrogant children who are faster than you
This is unavoidable, as they have no fear. And rightly so; they've got half as far to fall as adults do, and their bones will repair twice as fast. But be assured, they will learn. It might involve a strategically placed ski pole, but they will learn...

3. Button Lifts
They take you nowhere and it's virtually impossible to look mature or remain upright whilst on one. Especially when it turns a corner and you become another victim of the crossed-ski pile-up. It's like being back in the playground, having proven yourself inadequate for the see-saw. But regular lifts aren't faultless either - there's always one which looks slow and reliable, until it's about 2 meters behind you, when the bastard gains speed, drops two foot and takes you out from the calves.

4. Ice
There will come a point when you think you're getting the hang of this skiing lark and feel ready to execute some expert posing. When this moment comes, don't EVER take your eyes off the piste. There will always be a patch of ice hidden just below the powder, ready to whip away a ski just when you're at your most smug.